Welcome back Theresa May-here's what you've missed...

I hope you had an excellent walking holiday in Italy Theresa May. I've compiled a short guide to help explain some of the recent developments for you when you get back to work later this week:

1. Your Health Secretary, Jeremy Hunt, requested a private bathroom in his office at the cost of £44,000 to the taxpayer. The many NHS patients who have been left on trolleys in hospital corridors will surely understand his need for privacy. "Let's encourage cyclists!" he eagerly declared (in a bizarre bid to swerve any criticism regarding austerity).

2. The Department of Health also came under further criticism for the rapid 'fire-sale' of NHS land. Analysis for Labour showed that one fifth of the plots are still in use and, importantly, there are no details for of over half the area (1332 hectares) up-for-grabs owing to "sensitivity" issues. I'm afraid the 'cat is out of the bag' on this one Theresa May, as the saying goes... 



3. The Department for Work & Pensions (DWP) has been doing an excellent job continuing to bully the disabled, workers and pensioners. 


 4. An update on the continued position of austerity on the public sector is as follows:

a. NHS: underfunded; understaffed; near breaking point.

b. Education: underfunded; understaffed; near breaking point.

c. Fire Servies: underfunded; understaffed; near breaking point.

d. Prison services: underfunded; understaffed; near breaking point.

e. Job Centres: underfunded; understaffed; near breaking point.

5. Progress on Brexit has been limited. 

6. Jacob Rees-Mogg (the super-rich one who thinks it's appropriate to waste parliament's time by 'filibustering', and who received £7.6 million pounds from the Chancellor to repair his wife's 350-room ancestral home despite voting for further £30-a-week disability cuts and for the bedroom tax) has been discussing a potential leadership bid. He's now the frontrunner to take over as Tory leader, and he has friends in high places...

 7. Jeremy Corbyn has been on the march with his Many taking aim at marginal seats, and also helping to carry pushchairs up steps. 

8. Finally, Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un have been threatening to nuke each other, and Boris Johnson (as your chosen Foreign Secretary) has rather clumsily entered the fray. You might want to visit your friend Donald Trump soon. If you hold both his hands this time, he won't be able to press that red button...

Welcome back Theresa May. It looks like you're going to be busy...

...Summer is here!

This year, in the final few days of parliament, Theresa May was hard at work demonstrating her ability to do 'boy jobs'  by chucking out a series of controversial policies at the same time as the BBC were conveniently covering their own problems.  Chris Evans how much? Increase in the pension age. Gary Linekar what? HS2 will cost  even more. Why the salary inequality? 

MPs now have a good seven weeks to do as they please.





Theresa May is going for a walk. She may be some time (three weeks). She can walk but she can't hide.






Jeremy Corbyn plans to march on to Scotland with his band of Many Men over August. His new-found confidence will take him north of the wall where he will target seats from SNP leader, Nicola Sturgeon. "Freedom!" shouts Nicola Sturgeon but no one is really listening to her anymore, and Alex Salmond is out of action after he became wounded during the last battle.





Boris Johnson will likely be spending the Summer entertaining and casually offending Europe. He's really mad that he's not allowed on Twitter to do this, he jovially moans to guests at his party.





Michael Gove could be up to anything over the summer. The chances are that he'll be up to something.




George 'Revenge' Osborne will likely continue to stir up trouble from the safe distance of his editorial desk. Hell hath no fury as a chancellor scorned.





David Davis,  Secretary of State for Exiting the European Union, is probably going to take it easy over the summer. As he has done for the past four months. 


Vince Cable (the new/old leader of the Liberal Democrats) was last seen in a confused, slightly delirious, state claiming to be the next Macron and muttering something abut an "exit from Brexit". He seems to have forgotten about the failure of this policy to win votes by his predecessor, Tim Fallon (who subsequently turned to God). His memory is not what it used to be, and he'll most likely be spending the summer playing bingo.




Meanwhile the Brexit clock will keep ticking until 5th September...