Welcome back Theresa May-here's what you've missed...

I hope you had an excellent walking holiday in Italy Theresa May. I've compiled a short guide to help explain some of the recent developments for you when you get back to work later this week:

1. Your Health Secretary, Jeremy Hunt, requested a private bathroom in his office at the cost of £44,000 to the taxpayer. The many NHS patients who have been left on trolleys in hospital corridors will surely understand his need for privacy. "Let's encourage cyclists!" he eagerly declared (in a bizarre bid to swerve any criticism regarding austerity).

2. The Department of Health also came under further criticism for the rapid 'fire-sale' of NHS land. Analysis for Labour showed that one fifth of the plots are still in use and, importantly, there are no details for of over half the area (1332 hectares) up-for-grabs owing to "sensitivity" issues. I'm afraid the 'cat is out of the bag' on this one Theresa May, as the saying goes... 



3. The Department for Work & Pensions (DWP) has been doing an excellent job continuing to bully the disabled, workers and pensioners. 


 4. An update on the continued position of austerity on the public sector is as follows:

a. NHS: underfunded; understaffed; near breaking point.

b. Education: underfunded; understaffed; near breaking point.

c. Fire Servies: underfunded; understaffed; near breaking point.

d. Prison services: underfunded; understaffed; near breaking point.

e. Job Centres: underfunded; understaffed; near breaking point.

5. Progress on Brexit has been limited. 

6. Jacob Rees-Mogg (the super-rich one who thinks it's appropriate to waste parliament's time by 'filibustering', and who received £7.6 million pounds from the Chancellor to repair his wife's 350-room ancestral home despite voting for further £30-a-week disability cuts and for the bedroom tax) has been discussing a potential leadership bid. He's now the frontrunner to take over as Tory leader, and he has friends in high places...

 7. Jeremy Corbyn has been on the march with his Many taking aim at marginal seats, and also helping to carry pushchairs up steps. 

8. Finally, Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un have been threatening to nuke each other, and Boris Johnson (as your chosen Foreign Secretary) has rather clumsily entered the fray. You might want to visit your friend Donald Trump soon. If you hold both his hands this time, he won't be able to press that red button...

Welcome back Theresa May. It looks like you're going to be busy...

The Tory approach to the issue of an ageing population

1. Make cuts to public services. Sell off public assets to private investors. 



2. Make friends with private investors. 




3. Ignore the deficit if he's still refusing to go anywhere anytime soon.



4. Make The Many work for longer by raising the pension age. The Few enjoy retirement by earning vast amounts of money visiting old friends.



5. Ongoing cuts and inadequate funding to health care and social services result in life expectancy levelling out.

... Problem solved.

Summer is coming...

Theresa May is telling MPs to behave themselves after a series of leaks. 

The chancellor, Philip Hammond, is upset that people are breaking the first rule of private cabinet meeting club. This might be one of the most coherent views he's had in some time.

"It's easy to quote a phrase out of context" he complains. But it's hard to take some things out of context - a fact is a fact sometimes, regardless of context.

Since 2010, even life expectancy has levelled off (after steady growth over the past 100 years). Sir Michael Marmot, a professor of epidemiology and public health, says "this is highly unusual" and that "austerity could be a factor". This is one possible approach to dealing with an ageing population... 

In the meantime, Theresa May has shown Justine Greening where to find some secret Magic Money from. 

Michael Gove has been suspiciously quiet... 

These are turbulent times and summer is coming - can Theresa May control the flow of prosecco and gossiping MPs? Will anyone else get any of her secret magic money? Where is Michael Gove, and what is he up to? 

JAM Dodgers - part 1

Theresa May still says "we all have to live within our means".

But that just means that she means that she's going to be mean, and that only she can use the money from her secret magic money tree... 

"Hello, I'd like to exchange these magic notes into 10 votes please, I'm going to buy myself some extra time" she explained. "Well, the exchange rate isn't very good, are you sure?" asked the man behind the desk. She was surer than ever and invited her new friends to attend her Nasty Party.

Meanwhile, there was far too much JAM ('Just About Managing' - Theresa's acronym, not mine) in the UK. Theresa May even took some to the States, "I made this!" she exclaimed to the First Lady.

Ed Balls now had to dance to make a living. Things were looking bleak for society. And televised entertainment.

Only David Cameron and George 'Revenge' Osbourne were still riding high on the waves of Austerity. "They're all just selfish," shouted Cameron.  George 'Revenge' Osbourne had a smug look on his face - he had more jobs than most people earned pounds per hour. 

But then something completely unexpected happened - the JAM began to grow larger and angrier, quickly spreading towards the Nasty Party. Meanwhile, Amber Rudd was still trying to come to terms with the truth about the magic money tree. Reality can be hard sometimes.

The Nasty Party suddenly became aware of the imminent danger they were in. Theresa May remained strong and stable - quickly swinging into action to reveal an escape route she had planned as a naughty child.

But... Will it be enough? Just how many fields did she run through - will the naughty minx be able lead the Nasty Party out of danger? Will Amber Rudd come back to reality in time to dodge the encroaching JAM and escape? 

Maybe we'll find out some other time...