Why austerity is failing...

In March 2017, the Institute for Fiscal Studies (IFS) reported that Britain was in the midst of the weakest growth in living standards for over 60 years, since records began. 

Recently, in July 2017, the International Monetary Fund) (IMF) downgraded its annual growth forecast for the UK from 2% (estimated in April 2017) to 1.7%. In an interview on the subject, chancellor Philip Hammond  acknowledged the 'modest' growth and explained that 'increasing productivity is how we get higher living standards'. 

Perhaps increasing living standards is how we get higher productivity though? 

...Summer is here!

This year, in the final few days of parliament, Theresa May was hard at work demonstrating her ability to do 'boy jobs'  by chucking out a series of controversial policies at the same time as the BBC were conveniently covering their own problems.  Chris Evans how much? Increase in the pension age. Gary Linekar what? HS2 will cost  even more. Why the salary inequality? 

MPs now have a good seven weeks to do as they please.





Theresa May is going for a walk. She may be some time (three weeks). She can walk but she can't hide.






Jeremy Corbyn plans to march on to Scotland with his band of Many Men over August. His new-found confidence will take him north of the wall where he will target seats from SNP leader, Nicola Sturgeon. "Freedom!" shouts Nicola Sturgeon but no one is really listening to her anymore, and Alex Salmond is out of action after he became wounded during the last battle.





Boris Johnson will likely be spending the Summer entertaining and casually offending Europe. He's really mad that he's not allowed on Twitter to do this, he jovially moans to guests at his party.





Michael Gove could be up to anything over the summer. The chances are that he'll be up to something.




George 'Revenge' Osborne will likely continue to stir up trouble from the safe distance of his editorial desk. Hell hath no fury as a chancellor scorned.





David Davis,  Secretary of State for Exiting the European Union, is probably going to take it easy over the summer. As he has done for the past four months. 


Vince Cable (the new/old leader of the Liberal Democrats) was last seen in a confused, slightly delirious, state claiming to be the next Macron and muttering something abut an "exit from Brexit". He seems to have forgotten about the failure of this policy to win votes by his predecessor, Tim Fallon (who subsequently turned to God). His memory is not what it used to be, and he'll most likely be spending the summer playing bingo.




Meanwhile the Brexit clock will keep ticking until 5th September...

July 2016 - July 2017: Happy Anniversary Theresa May!

It seems like it was only yesterday that David Cameron was gleefully skipping away from Number 10. At the age of only 49, unlike the rest of us, he was looking forward to an early retirement after his most notable achievement - sending the UK into a chaotic and uncertain future. 

In July 2016, Theresa May fought off competition from Michael 'surprise!' Gove, Boris 'de Pfeffel' Johnson and Andrea 'I've had babies' Leadsom to become the next Prime Minister of the UK. Theresa May sacked George Osborne and Michael Gove for misbehaving. And then surprised everyone by appointing Boris as Foreign Secretary, demonstrating that she does have a sense of humour after all.

George Osborne quickly assumed a new identity as a newspaper editor - 'Revenge'. Using his new powers, in a rather uncharacteristic display of transparency, he began to publicly attack Theresa May. 

At the end of March 2017, Theresa May triggered Article 50 - setting the clock ticking for the UK to leave the EU within two years. "Brexit means Brexit! Brexit means Brexit!" she chanted. The EU began to make preparations for the upcoming negotiations. 

On 8th April 2017, Theresa May announced a snap election. "I can be a bloody difficult woman" she taunted, as she proceeded to ignore her European counterparts and focused her efforts on the upcoming UK election. 

But what she hadn't realised was that Jeremy Corbyn was gathering his Many Men (and Women) at a fast pace. On the 8th June 2017, seven years of austerity, continuing cuts to public services, and a campaign based on three words, would result in Theresa May loosing her majority in government, and new old labour obtaining Momentum. Jeremy Corbyn has gained confidence and sometimes he wears a tie.

It was time for Theresa May to find some magic money and ten new Irish friends.

Meanwhile, Jacob Rees-Mogg starts making an increasing number of public appearances. No one knows where he came from. But it's unlikely he grew up on a council estate.

In June 2017, Michael Gove found himself invited back to the front benches. Nothing to do with Rupert Murdoch. "Who's he again?" enquired Michael Gove.

In July 2017, 4 months into the Brexit negotiating period, David Davis is sent in to begin negotiations with the EU (there's that sense of humour again). "Bloody difficult?!" snorted one MEP to another, "it's impossible!".

On the 18th July 2017, Theresa May has to tell ministers off for a series of leaks to the press. Michael Gove was suspiciously quiet around this period. 

On 21 July 2017, as MPs begin their summer holidays, Theresa May was last quoted saying she was 'going for a walk'... 

The Tory approach to the issue of an ageing population

1. Make cuts to public services. Sell off public assets to private investors. 



2. Make friends with private investors. 




3. Ignore the deficit if he's still refusing to go anywhere anytime soon.



4. Make The Many work for longer by raising the pension age. The Few enjoy retirement by earning vast amounts of money visiting old friends.



5. Ongoing cuts and inadequate funding to health care and social services result in life expectancy levelling out.

... Problem solved.

Summer is coming...

Theresa May is telling MPs to behave themselves after a series of leaks. 

The chancellor, Philip Hammond, is upset that people are breaking the first rule of private cabinet meeting club. This might be one of the most coherent views he's had in some time.

"It's easy to quote a phrase out of context" he complains. But it's hard to take some things out of context - a fact is a fact sometimes, regardless of context.

Since 2010, even life expectancy has levelled off (after steady growth over the past 100 years). Sir Michael Marmot, a professor of epidemiology and public health, says "this is highly unusual" and that "austerity could be a factor". This is one possible approach to dealing with an ageing population... 

In the meantime, Theresa May has shown Justine Greening where to find some secret Magic Money from. 

Michael Gove has been suspiciously quiet... 

These are turbulent times and summer is coming - can Theresa May control the flow of prosecco and gossiping MPs? Will anyone else get any of her secret magic money? Where is Michael Gove, and what is he up to? 

No idea

Theresa May is now asking the other parties to "come forward with your own views and ideas" regarding Brexit.

JAM Dodgers - part 1

Theresa May still says "we all have to live within our means".

But that just means that she means that she's going to be mean, and that only she can use the money from her secret magic money tree... 

"Hello, I'd like to exchange these magic notes into 10 votes please, I'm going to buy myself some extra time" she explained. "Well, the exchange rate isn't very good, are you sure?" asked the man behind the desk. She was surer than ever and invited her new friends to attend her Nasty Party.

Meanwhile, there was far too much JAM ('Just About Managing' - Theresa's acronym, not mine) in the UK. Theresa May even took some to the States, "I made this!" she exclaimed to the First Lady.

Ed Balls now had to dance to make a living. Things were looking bleak for society. And televised entertainment.

Only David Cameron and George 'Revenge' Osbourne were still riding high on the waves of Austerity. "They're all just selfish," shouted Cameron.  George 'Revenge' Osbourne had a smug look on his face - he had more jobs than most people earned pounds per hour. 

But then something completely unexpected happened - the JAM began to grow larger and angrier, quickly spreading towards the Nasty Party. Meanwhile, Amber Rudd was still trying to come to terms with the truth about the magic money tree. Reality can be hard sometimes.

The Nasty Party suddenly became aware of the imminent danger they were in. Theresa May remained strong and stable - quickly swinging into action to reveal an escape route she had planned as a naughty child.

But... Will it be enough? Just how many fields did she run through - will the naughty minx be able lead the Nasty Party out of danger? Will Amber Rudd come back to reality in time to dodge the encroaching JAM and escape? 

Maybe we'll find out some other time...