2017 was a turbulent year for Theresa May. Previously Theresa May fought off competition from Michael Gove, Boris Johnson and Andrea Leadsom to become leader, after David Cameron unnecessarily sent the UK toward a path of self-destruction. Theresa May was in charge now. She started wearing bigger and bigger necklaces as her confidence grew.
On 8th April 2017, Theresa May announced a snap election. 'I can be a bloody difficult woman' she taunted, as she proceeded to ignore her European counterparts as she focused her efforts on the upcoming UK election.
But what she hadn't realised was that Jeremy Corbyn was gathering his Many Men (and Women) at a fast pace. On the 8th June 2017, seven years of austerity, continuing cuts to public services, and a campaign based on three words, would result in Theresa May loosing her majority in government. Theresa May had a little cry. Allegedly.
It was time for Theresa May to find some magic money and ten new Irish friends.
For a bit of a laugh, and to cheer herself up, in July 2017 (four months into the Brexit negotiating period) Theresa May sent David Davis to begin negotiations with the EU.
On 21 July 2017, as MPs begin their summer holidays, Theresa May said she was 'going for a walk'. Sometimes that's when she's at her most dangerous.
Back in Parliament, in September, it became clear that the DUP were not to be trusted after an embarrassing defeat on lifting the pay cap. Tory Whips instructed MPs not to bother attending Parliament for any upcoming opposition vote.
Andrea Leadsom kindly explained that MPs will reply with a written statement within 12 weeks instead of attending the debate. Leaving the government free to continue transforming lives in the meantime.
Theresa may decided she wanted more power in September. Like Henry the 8th.
In October, Theresa May provided the UK with some much needed entertainment during her conference speech.
The release on the Paradise papers in early November showed that the government has done little to tackle tax avoidance. However, the EU 'Anti Tax Avoidance Directive' comes into effect in early 2019...
Prompting Theresa May to proudly announce her Brexit party (11pm on 29th March 2019) for her friends, who will now get to keep their little piece of Paradise.
In November, a tell-tale sleaze list of parliamentary gossip detailed inappropriateness, impregnation, handsy behaviour, non-disclosure agreements, perpetual intoxication, prostitutes, and odd sexual penchants in the Conservative party. Unfortunately for Theresa May, Damian 'Ashley Madison' Green, First Secretary of State — an old University friend and close ally, featured on the list.
Philip Hammond released his budget. It wasn't really 'fit for the future' for most people, and he seemed to omit social care completely. With the well-documented rise in living costs, Philip Hammond very cleverly kept his freeze on benefits quiet.
Philip Hammond was so confident of his budget he took the unusual move to block any amendments.
David Davis was in trouble for not producing documents he said he had on Brexit. As Secretary of State for Exiting the European Union, he has one of the most important roles in recent history. He says he 'doesn't have to be clever to do his job'.
Theresa May's government began to fall. Theresa May dramatically lost Damian Green under 'extreme' circumstances.
Cabinet meetings are not what they used to be.
In December, as temperatures plummeted, the rise in homelessness was bought to Theresa May's attention. An MP explained that there would be 2500 homeless children in her constituency this Christmas. Theresa May was furious 'unless they're sleeping on the streets no child is homeless,' she spat angrily as she wagged her finger.
2017 was a shocking year for UK politics. Politics is changing though. Which is good, as it's difficult to see how it could get much worse...
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