A tell-tale sleaze list of parliamentary gossip summarised on a spreadsheet details a handsy-on approach in the Conservative party. Apparently Theresa May knew all along but has taken a more hands-off approach. Like her well-documented approach to homelessness. Unfortunately, like many of the 250,000 homeless people in the UK, it looks as though Theresa May has not been sleeping well these days.
The list apparently details inappropriateness, impregnation, handsy behaviour, non-disclosure agreements, perpetual intoxication, prostitutes, and odd sexual penchants. It seems that for some MPs, everyday is like a debaucherous Christmas party. If this sort of behaviour was common throughout the general workforce, it is likely that employment figures would decrease rather dramatically.
The first of the mighty dominoes to fall was Michael 'odd sexual penchants' Fallon. As Defence Minister, he wanted MPs to stop criticising Saudi Arabia because it wasn't helpful when he was trying to sell them deadly weapons. On Wednesday night he resigned, although it is currently unknown whether this is because of his drinking, encouragement of war, support for Apartheid, or 'other'.
'Move over Fallon — I run this place now' ordered Gavin Williamson, the new Defence Secretary (and previous Whip). He has the power of blackmail to control many Tory MPs and he's not afraid to use that power. He's also been practicing his photo face.
Unfortunately for Theresa May, Damian 'Ashley Madison' Green, First Secretary of State — an old University friend and close ally, might also have featured on the list for being 'handsy at parties'. It's OK though as he has a very understanding wife. Apparently. In his defence, his friends blamed the tablecloth. The tablecloth declined to comment.
The leader of the House of Commons, Andrea Leadsom, pledged that incidents of sexual harassment would not go 'unpunished'. That means that this time they'll need to keep track of all of the documents, and not loose them as they previously did with the 114 files linking MPs and Peers to child abuse.
To finish an exciting week, the Government faces a parliamentary vote to lower the age of voting to 16 — several generations away from the usual Conservative demographic. It's unlikely that Tory MPs will bother to turn up to vote (again) and they'll probably head straight to the bar. It is Friday...
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