November 25th Polisticks summary: A government unfit for the future

A government unfit for the future

This week the Chancellor presented his budget, several reports indicated many more decades of dismal economic growth and  living standards, and Larry the Cat is furious.

Chancellor Philip Hammond's achievements in stagnating economic growth, deteriorating living standards and expanding inequality in our society are exceptional. His budget outlines out his determination to continue his ambitious work.

During Jeremy Corbyn's response, MP Andrew Griffiths hid from view while shouting abuse and making noise. There are also rumours that the front bench were passing around alcohol disguised as water. The front bench laughed uncontrollably when the pain caused by their 'policies' on social care was highlighted, although this was possibly not alcohol induced. 

Despite getting 'tough on immigration', the Home Office now says it needs to recruit more EU immigrant workers to register the UK’s three million EU nationals already in Britain. 

Larry the Cat (of no 10 downing street) is furious. The Conservatives voted that he has less emotion than them and that he can't feel pain. In protest, he's thinking about resigning from his post and emigrating to the EU. 

With George Freeman also resigning from his post, and the rest of Theresa May's team facing criticism for a variety of issues, it's looking more likely than ever that it could be game over...

Budget 2017 - nothing has changed

On the 22nd November, Philip Hammond (Chancellor of the Exchequer) presented his Autumn budget. 

Economic growth, productivity growth, business investment and living standards are all stagnant, or falling. Furthermore, a recent report in the British Medical Journal suggests that Conservative austerity measures are linked to 120,000 deaths ('economic murder'). 

This budget was an opportunity for Philip Hammond to address the increasing inequality in the UK, after seven years of failed austerity policies. Unfortunately, no sensible solutions were offered to address crises in the NHS, mental health, social care, homelessness, issues with Universal Credit, policing and teaching (apart from maths. Because we only need maths to build our society moving forward. Apparently). 

The NHS chief executive recently asked for the £350 million a week promised by the Brexit Leave campaign be honoured. Philip Hammond offered the NHS £350 million pounds. Fortunately,  the NHS will now survive until December.

Younger generations have been struggling to buy property, pay for rising consumer costs, and further education is leaving them in crippling debt. On a charm offensive to the young, Philip Hammond offered a 'millennial' railcard for 25-30 year olds. The railcard can only be used at off-peak times, so those lucky youngsters will see little difference to the rising cost of their daily commute. 

Is it game over yet?

Already out of play

Resigned: Michael Fallon, ex Secretary of State for Defence. Unknown whether his resignation was because of his drinking, encouragement of war, support for Apartheid, or 'other'.

Resigned: Priti Patel, ex Secretary of State for International Development. Had 12 secret meetings (Theresa May was/wasn't aware of) with Israeli officials during her 13-day family holiday.

Resigned: George freeman, ex Chair of the Prime Minister’s Policy Board. Jumped ship after defining the Conservatives as  a party of 'public sector austerity and lazy privilege'. 

Still standing, but for how long?

Philip Hammond (Chancellor of the Exchequer) claimed that there are no unemployed people, indicating he's also forgotten about the three very recently unemployed members of his own cabinet. After the Wednesday budget, it is possible that he might be joining the 1.4 million unemployed UK citizens he forgot about, although fortunately he's already been photographed in the style some might describe as  'last day of school'.

It emerged that the material found on (First Secretary of State) Damian Green's work computer would now be classed as illegal and likely involved necrophilia, beastiality, or acts that would cause physical harm. On his work computer. 

There are rumours David Davis (Secretary of State for Exiting the European Union) might resign 'in protest'  because he's being left out of key meetings on exiting the EU. It's also possible he's realised that he really should have done more than half a days work in 16 months... 

Michael Gove (Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs) believes that, like himself, animals are not capable of feeling emotion or pain. 

Jeremy Hunt (Secretary of State for Health) has been persevering in his quest to privatise the NHS, and is happily continuing to annoy NHS workers, NHS patients, and pretty much everyone else. 

It's unknown whether the chaos Boris Johnson (Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs) is causing is intentional, due to incompetence,  or a dangerous combination of the two.

Theresa May, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, is responsible for the above mess. And much, much, more. 

It must be game over...

Trouble in Paradise? - This weeks summary of UK politics

17th November - Trouble in Paradise?

The Paradise papers were released by the International Consortium of Investigative Journalists on 5 November. Similar to the Panama papers (leaked in 2015), they detail strategies employed by corporations and wealthy individuals to avoid paying tax and they reveal the offshore tax affairs of prominent individuals and corporations around the world.

The following day, Shadow Chancellor John McDonnell raised the Paradise Paper leak in Parliament. Conservative MP Peter Bone very kindly explained that 'evasion is wholly illegal, avoidance is normal', although this still left 99% of the population a little confused.





Last year, David Cameron was filmed excitedly joking to the Queen that leaders from some 'fantastically corrupt countries' were visiting. We didn't realise at the time that this was an inside joke.


Unfortunately, the following Tuesday cabinet meeting was cancelled.

Boris Johnson and Michael Gove are friends again, and they wrote a letter to Theresa May outlining their Brexit demands. Two days later Theresa May announced our date of departure to the hour — 11pm GMT 29th March 2019.  'We will not tolerate attempts to slow down Brexit', declared Theresa May (whose Government still hasn't published a sensible Brexit plan since the UK voted to leave over 16 months ago ago). 'David Davis is doing perfectly fine job of that all on his own', she possibly continued. 

The lucky few who will now avoid the EU 'Anti Tax Avoidance Directive' that comes into place in early 2019 will certainly have something to look forward to with the count-down to 'Brexit Eve'. A suspicious mind might come to the conclusion there could be a few tax avoiders out partying that night, celebrating that they get to keep their little bit of Paradise. Certainly not tax evaders though (that would probably be illegal).

No one seems to know where the Brexit papers are, or even if they actually exist. Either way David Davis is has been far too busy to find them — after the EU recently suggested that the UK has two weeks to prevent Brexit from being a disaster, and only 16 months into his role as Secretary of State for Exiting the European Union, David Davis made a bold announcement that 'EU citizens will be supported through a streamlined and easy-to-use application process'.

The NHS Chief asked for the £350 million a week promise to the NHS (by the Leave campaign) to be honoured. Later that day Jeremy Hunt, the Secretary of State for Health, was seen entering No 10. With an article just published in the British Medical Journal reporting an astounding 120,000 deaths in the UK associated with austerity cuts in health and social care, hopefully he was given some pre-budget 'bad' news. 

Two weeks ago, the Conservatives delayed the parliamentary vote for votes at 16 by filibustering, demonstrating that they are indisputably less serious about politics than most 16-18 year olds. Time is against the Conservatives though — the younger generations know that Paradise doesn't look like this...

Disorder in the House! - This weeks summary of UK politics

3rd November - Disorder in the House!

A tell-tale sleaze list of parliamentary gossip summarised on a spreadsheet details a handsy-on approach in the Conservative party. Apparently Theresa May knew all along but has taken a more hands-off approach. Like her well-documented approach to homelessness. Unfortunately, like many of the 250,000 homeless people in the UK, it looks as though Theresa May has not been sleeping well these days.

The list apparently details inappropriateness, impregnation, handsy behaviour, non-disclosure agreements, perpetual intoxication, prostitutes, and odd sexual penchants. It seems that for some MPs, everyday is like a debaucherous Christmas party. If this sort of behaviour was common throughout the general workforce, it is likely that employment figures would decrease rather dramatically. 

The first of the mighty dominoes to fall was Michael 'odd sexual penchants' Fallon. As Defence Minister, he wanted MPs to stop criticising Saudi Arabia because it wasn't helpful when he was trying to sell them deadly weapons. On Wednesday night he resigned, although it is currently unknown whether this is because of his drinking, encouragement of war, support for Apartheid, or 'other'.

'Move over Fallon — I run this place now' ordered Gavin Williamson, the new Defence Secretary (and previous Whip). He has the power of blackmail to control many Tory MPs and he's not afraid to use that power. He's also been practicing his photo face.

  

Unfortunately for Theresa May, Damian 'Ashley Madison'  Green, First Secretary of State — an old University friend and close ally, might also have featured on the list for being 'handsy at parties'. It's OK though as he has a very understanding wife. Apparently. In his defence, his friends blamed the tablecloth. The tablecloth declined to comment.

The leader of the House of Commons, Andrea Leadsom, pledged that incidents of sexual harassment would not go 'unpunished'. That means that this time they'll need to keep track of all of the documents, and not loose them as they previously did with the 114 files linking MPs and Peers to child abuse. 

To finish an exciting week, the Government faces a parliamentary vote to lower the age of voting to 16 — several generations away from the usual Conservative demographic. It's unlikely that Tory MPs will bother to turn up to vote (again) and they'll probably head straight to the bar. It is Friday...

October 2017 UK polisticks summary - Contempt of Parliament!