Roses are red

At the Black and White Ball, Theresa May triumphantly announced that we will ‘defeat socialism today, as we have defeated it before!’.  

The annual Conservative Party fundraising event  was held at the Natural History Museum so the attendees were quite at home.

Costing over £10,000 a table to attend the event, the Tory elite auctioned themselves off at the annual fundraiser. Concerns about the menu sadly meant that lunch with Liam Fox only raised £2000.

To show she means business in her war against socialism, the following day Theresa May’s Conservatives announced a new cap on free school meals on families with a net income of over £7,400 a year. Fortunately, it will only take one family two years with no food, rent, bills or clothes to buy a table so they can raise the issue at the Black and White Ball in 2020.

Jacob Rees-Mogg doesn’t just dislike poor British people. Jacob Rees-Mogg dislikes all poor people worldwide. So he proudly delivered his little petition to end the 0.7% foreign aid ‘madness’ to Number 10. 

The Maybot was hacked again. Despite all analysis (including her own) indicating that leaving the Customs Union will be the most damaging for the people of the UK, Maybot defiantly announced that we are leaving the Customs Union.

Which prompted the Japanese Ambassador, Koji Tsuruoka, to explain that Japanese business, and business in general, would be unable to manufacture in the UK if there’s no profitability. 

Our Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson, disagrees though. He says stopping Brexit would be ‘disastrous’ and he’s been calling for a ‘United Kingdom’. Which is slightly perplexing, as Boris Johnson is directly responsible for un-uniting the United Kingdom. 

Michael Barnier, the EU chief negotiator, explained that the EU has begun to draft plans for a hard border, between Ireland and Northern Ireland if the UK does leave the Customs Union. ‘It’s important to tell the truth,’ said Michel Barnier. Unfortunately  it’s unlikely Boris Johnson was listening.

David Davis is terribly upset. He thinks the EU are being ‘political’ and ‘frankly discourteous’ in considering sanctioning the UK if it breaches EU terms during any transition period. Michel Barnier replied ‘it’s totally foreign to my state of mind,’ which, coincidentally, is also how most of the UK feel about David Davis.

Finally, symbolic of the Government’s black and withered heart, last week the DWP threateningly wished everyone a ‘happy Valentine’s day’ with their tweet: ‘Claiming to be living alone is one of the most common types of benefit fraud – don’t ruin #ValentinesDay by failing to declare your true circumstances’. Valentines day or not, the true circumstances of many disabled people, workers, and pensioners are currently rather ‘grave’, and then there’s that ‘human catastrophe’ the UN previously declared in case you missed it DWP.  Big love to you too. 

Brexit checkmate for Theresa May

It seems that Theresa May is in Brexit checkmate. Her government report leaked this week forecast that Britain will be worse off with any form of Brexit and that, in a ‘no deal’ scenario, economic growth could fall by 8%. 18 months into Theresa May’s leadership and her party is more divided than ever though, and they still lack any viable consensus or strategy on Brexit. Theresa May’s MPs are getting unruly, fearlessly announcing their (often opposing) demands and visionary ideas to the public. She’s lost control, and they’re starting to close in on her.

Boris Johnson goes where he wants and says what he wants. He’s back in the game and right in Theresa May’s face. Lurking nearby, Michael ‘Govey’ Gove insists he’s playing it straight these days. It’s probably going to take more than a pet-name to fix that reputation.

Philip Hammond caused fury by suggesting the UK should seek ‘modest’ changes with our relationship with the EU, who he previously called ‘the enemy’. Apparently, he has a new enemy these days in the form of Gavin Williamson. Gavin Williamson is moving quickly though — his eyes are on the top job and his kissing days are over.

Unfortunately for Theresa May, extreme circumstances forced out Damian Green and David Davis seems completely unaware that he should be doing anything at all. Jeremy Hunt also has little time for Brexit, as he’s busy orchestrating his mass NHS (and social care) sell-off before his time as Health (and Social Care) Secretary runs out. 

Jacob Rees Mogg is poised to lunge on the Brexit attack in public wherever and whenever he’s needed. He’s been busy waving his fencing sword around like it was 1799 and shouting something about ‘hope and unity’, as well as something else irrelevant in Latin. It would seem that he has quite a dislike for some EU Directives. 

Meanwhile, as the chaos ensues, Nigel Farage — the trouble starter and Brexit instigator — is laughing from afar waving a slightly drunk two fingers at Theresa May. Even Angela Merkel, a woman not known for her humour, is now making jokes about Theresa May’s Brexit negotiating skills. 

Theresa May once helpfully explained that ‘Brexit means Brexit’ but, as she’s now finding out, it’s not really that simple. There’s a feeling of discontent in the winter air. It looks like there’s no way out of this one Theresa May. Checkmate…