31st October: Contempt of Parliament!

The UK government has developed a 'new initiative' regarding opposition day debates (days allocated in the House of Commons for the discussion of subjects chosen by the opposition parties). Andrea Leadsom, Leader of the Commons, released a statement on 26th October to clarify the strategy, summarised as: 1. Don't attend parliament. 2. Don't debate. 3. Ignore motion for three months. 4. Press on full-speed ahead with policies. 5. Someone will reply with a vague written statement at some point in the future. 

A statement up to '12 weeks after the debate' is not only fundamentally not a debate, it delays progress and provides little 'opportunity for accountability', demonstrated by the unanimous vote of 299 to 0 to pause the roll out of Universal Credit (still coming to a town near you soon).

David Gauke (Secretary of state for Work and Pensions) did not attend the debate on Universal Credit and, despite the vote of 299 to 0, he is continuing with its roll out as planned. Freed from the constraints of parliamentary scrutiny, David Gauke will be transforming lives across a further one hundred new areas before Christmas. Fortunately, we can expect that David Gauke will release a statement on Universal Credit sometime in January 2018. 

After the 'humanitarian crisis' in the NHS last winter, Jeremy Hunt, Secretary of State for Health, has developed a new plan — anyone with a spare room and a microwave can now work for the NHS with a proposed Airbnb-style approach to NHS beds. All hosts receive a free game of 'Operation' for training purposes. Despite what could be perceived as limited experience in health and scientific research, Jeremy Hunt did support funding for homeopathy, he has accepted donations from Andrew Law (a healthcare firm investor), and he has a fearless disregard for expert opinion. 










Brexit negotiations have been making slow progress. At one point, Theresa May stomped off shouting that 'no game is better than a bad game'. Philip 'Fiscal' Hammond ordered her to get back and fight 'the enemy'. The EU don't really want to fight though, and EU negotiators have recently been spotted secretly courting Jeremy Corbyn and Keir Starmer (shadow Brexit secretary). Once upon a time there was only one UK prime minister for the EU. That's what they said to Nicola Sturgeon anyway.

David Davis, Secretary of State for Exiting the European Union, keeps taking his glasses off. And putting them back on again. He's been getting into a fluster with the 'excruciating detail' of the Brexit papers and it's unlikely he really did read all 58 reports properly (in his defence he claimed that Theresa May hasn't read them either). 120 MPs wrote to David Davis requesting the release the Brexit papers but David Davis has refused, arguing that their release could damage the UK's negotiating position (but he might release the names of the sectors in the reports). He just lost another Brexit MP too  — the third in 18 months. Nothing to worry about there then.

It's unknown whether Chris Heaton-Harris (Conservative MP and Whip) read the Brexit papers, but he did demonstrate a convincing interest in the topic when he wrote to vice-chancellors of UK Universities to ask for the names of professors 'involved in the teaching of European affairs, with particular reference to Brexit', and further requested 'a copy of the syllabuses and links to online lectures'. Jo Johnson, the Minister for Universities and Science, explained that Chris Heaton-Harris was probably privately thinking of writing a book. He didn't mention the parliamentary headed paper. Andrea Leadsom said the letter was 'courteous'. Chris Heaton-Harris didn't offer to pay for any of this information though, despite consistently voting for increases in student tuition fees, which some might say isn't very courteous at all. 

These days, with a reduced majority of only 346 votes, Home Office Secretary Amber Rudd generally keeps a low profile — often working under the cover of darkness to get 'The Job' done. Currently in contempt of court for deporting an asylum seeker, now she's after ultimate control over the internet and 15-year prison sentences for thoughtcrime. 

Theresa May now relies on the ten DUP MPs to support her Conservative party with a £1bn 'confidence and supply' agreement. On the 26th October, a crowdfunded challenge  (that the deal breaches the 1998 Good Friday agreement and the Bribery Act) was heard at the high court in London, although neither grounds were found 'properly arguable in a court of law'. Unfortunately the Judge failed to advise where it might actually be possible to argue these cases. Problems in Northern Ireland have the potential to leave Theresa May with no working majority in parliament — if her deal falls through, a vote of no confidence and another election are looking increasingly possible. Any concerns and questions are welcomed by Theresa May, although it might take up to 12 weeks to receive a written response. 

Three weeks. Three party conferences. One creepy wink.

Over the past few weeks the Labour, Conservative and Liberal Democrat conferences have taken place. This year these conferences have been even more important than usual given the current problems the UK faces: the implications of ongoing austerity, a failing economy and a complete lack of progress six months into the Brexit negotiation process. Usually, these conferences give each party the opportunity to showcase their policies, to outline progress made, and to promote a positive outlook for the future of our country. The outcomes of the three conferences have never been so different though...

Vince Cable addressed the Liberal Democrat conference on the 19th September. Possibly not the most captivating of the three speeches, although he was wearing a rather exciting tie. He began by outlining that his speech was to those "who don't know what we stand for, or think we're irrelevant" and then spent the first 13 minutes raking over the past, leaving some still a little confused. "What this country needs is hope and realism" he proudly proclaimed. The next day Vince Cable was pictured wearing a silly hat and winking creepily at people. 

The Labour conference was held in Brighton with Jeremy Corbyn's speech on the 27th September.  He began by outlining some of the Conservative policies that have been overturned, including the reintroduction of fox hunting. Unfortunately he also tried to sing at one point. 

Policies included guaranteeing EU citizen rights, taking utilities back into public ownership, housing ("houses should be homes for the Many, not speculative investments for the few"), scrapping the public sector pay freeze, automatic organ donation (introduced in Wales already by Carwyn Jones), and establishing a 'National Education Service' (necessary he says for facing the challenge of automation in the near future). On the issue of Brexit he claimed that Labour are "ready to build a new progressive relationship with Europe".

The Conservative conference was held in Manchester with the keynote speech from Theresa May on the 4th October. Theresa May entered the stage to ‘You’ve Got The Love’ by Florence and the Machine after her introduction — a voiceover to the song “This Is What You Came For” by Calvin Harris (both Calvin Harris and Florence Welch subsequently condemned the use of their songs). In a dramatic twist of events, problems faced by society were played-out with astonishing accuracy. Representing the the cost-effectiveness of many private for-profit companies, security (including vetting of attendees) of the conference (awarded to G4S, despite a number of controversies) was breached by a comedian well-known for similar 'pranks', and who registered for the conference under his own name. He managed to approach Theresa May to hand her a mock 'P45' document before being escorted out of the venue. 

Acutely representing an underfunded NHS (and likely the DWP forcing her into work that day), illness made it difficult for Theresa May's voice to be heard. Symbolic of a false economy, letters fell off the backdrop during Theresa May's speech — next time they might spend more. 

Policies from Theresa May included more free schools "because they work" (the education system moves rapidly in the UK. Only four months ago we needed more Grammar schools because they work), a freeze in (very recently increased) graduate tuition fees,  and 5,000 new homes a year, which will most certainly please the 100,000 who have been on the waiting list for over five years.

Theresa May made it to the end, despite the ongoing nightmare, and exited to  the Lenny Kravitz song 'Are you going to go my way?' She's also since promised to "prove the doomsayers wrong" but it's unknown if she has a map on her currently.